Too Little...

My heart aches.
It still aches.
Home from work yesterday a tad early. It's only 7:15. Dinner warmed and on the table and a late-in-the-evening family meal. Grace. Time together.

Tyler is writing as we transition the dining room table from homework to meal. He's writing a paragraph or a letter when I walk in the door. I see almost a half of a page. You know that writing... that Kindergarten explosion. Where things seem to make sense and all of a sudden your cell phone number rolls off their tongue down through their pencil. It's magic. I love that explosion. The excitement. The independence.

We eat. Visit. Dishes. Time to get ready for bed.

But the letter. Where did it go? I wanted to read it. I'm Curious. Happy for him. He's in the shower. Humming along. And I find it. Strewn in his closet. Not exactly, hidden. It's on his backpack. It's there if you're looking.

I'm too little for this family. You and dad and Ben and Will are Big! and I'm just little. I'm just want to remind you I'm not your size. Everybody is bigger than me. "Did you know I was the Smallest and youngest in the family" "I don't fit in I don't like (it)"

Their are quirky quotation marks. There are words I can read. And there it is. Raw emotion. Honest feelings that he's put into words and my heart aches.

He doesn't fit it?
He doesn't like it?
He wants to remind me?

And I am offended at first. As a Momma- a coach- a constant Love- a confidant. Have I let him down? And I think... what am I doing wrong? People thought the age difference might be too much? and, Are we pushing him in some way? to grow up? Are we growing him up too fast? and How in the world can a 6-year old capture his feelings so perfectly?

And then I am in awe.
I am in awe of a 6-year old really, truly and somehow in an emotionally intelligent way helping me to be a better mother for him.

If anything, Anything I find myself trying so hard not to baby him. He. Is. My. Baby. The baby I wanted so badly.  He wants to keep up. He wants to fit in. And it's obvious how hard that is. How hard it is to be the third boy. The third boy with the two older brothers who taunt when he cries, "Don't be a baby" "You just want attention" "Grow up"
Brother taunts. Normal brother taunts. But hurtful. And not necessary. And wow, Tyler puts it into perfect words how he is feeling. I am in awe and my heart aches.

And we snuggle and read stories of the five Easter bunnies and talk. And I pretend and ask if I can see what he was writing earlier. I am so impressed with his words and his beautiful, patient hand-writing. And he dismisses it. "I'm not sure where it is." And I press further, "But I'd love to see it. You worked so hard." So I look around, feign surprise, "Oh, it's here in the closet" and we read it. And his tears flow and I love that about us. The writing. It's there. It's there and my God it's therapeutic when you're six! and I know. I remind him that I know. And I tell him it's such a gift that he can use his writing now! to express when he's happy- or sad- or angry. It's a gift. And I remind him that God brought him to our family at just the right time and I couldn't love him anymore and if anything, Anything my wish would be for him to stay little.
"But don't show it to Ben, he'll make fun of me." "Okay," I say. But no, it's exactly what I share with Ben. Not the hand-written letter, but his words. I share them with Micky. And I'll share them with Will. I share his honesty and clarity. It will make better brothers and better parents. I share with Ben how amazing "little" Tyler is that he can put into words a way we can make our family stronger. And I'm over-come again at the magic of writing.

So, after the tears and snuggles we rest. Quietly. And then, it's my favorite part of the day. We say prayers. Our litany of three in one, long, Catholic sentence.
Angel of God. Hail Mary. Our Father.
Pray for us. Guide us. Give us Grace.

The First day... and the Last day

He's gone.
They're all gone.

Happy. Adjusted. Hopefully being kind and respectful.
Meeting friends. Learning. Laughing and cavorting carefree.
We've counted down the days like a Advent calendar.
Middle school. Fifth Grade. Kindergarten.

That's the one that hurts the most.
Kindergarten.
That's the one I knew to be prepared for.
That's the one where I knew I was going to lose it.

"It's over" I lament to my hubby through tears and heartache.
"No, babe, It's okay. It's just beginning."

"No. 
My part.  
It's over."

And it is.
A finished chapter.
We are no longer pre-school.
We are school. All of them. School.

I did my part. And, man, I loved my part.
I relished my part.
Years and years of juggling stay-at-home with night shift and day shift.
I miss that part. Just Being there in that part.
I dream of the stumbling to the crib for exhausted nursing sessions.
I would fight for a giggle or a coo.
I miss the structure of nap-time. Notes on the door daring anyone to ring the doorbell.
It's so quiet.
It's so lonely.

I think the ache is knowing I won't get to play that part again.
With any of them.
All 3 gloriously grown.
But the glare. The glare of Kindergarten blinds my heart as I let go.

And yes.
I know they still need me for the new chapters.
Thankfully so.

But it's not the same.
Permission slips replace kisses.
Backpacks replace blankies.
Lunchboxes replace bibs.

I knew to be ready for Kindergarten.
I knew I never would be.

The Stroller Effect

I think one of the coolest things about being a mom of boys/kids with a big age gap is perspective. The oldest has friends with way older siblings-- college entrance exams, licenses, dating. The younger has friends that are having babies-- itty bitty newborns. And, somehow, I feel I can glimpse into the abyss of motherhood and glean pearls from all these other amazing women- journeying along with their toddlers and adolescents and school-agers. That's a lot of years to cover. A semester of developmental psych rolled into a daily dose.

I've been watching my oldest, a sixth grader, swoop bravely into those pre-teen years. Ben's 12th birthday is next week. I recently noticed a new parenting phenomenon at work in my life. I suppose I am testing my theory in writing about it. And relishing the wisdom that comes from writing and the awesomeness that parenting can be.

Tyler is 4. And I have to say, he's my favorite right now. You're not supposed to pick a favorite... I know. And it's an on-going joke with the boys... "Am I your favorite right now Mom?" or "Will is sooo not your favorite after that, huh, Mahm!" The freedom to joke about it means to me they know I love them the same-- and they're all my favorite. But Ty is the age, so far, I love the most. Year 4, and months 3-8 are my motherhood dreamy-spans. Not everyday is perfect of course, but the random spouting of hugs and "I love you so much, Mahm" coupled with dandelion bouquets, a kiss making it better, no diapers and being able to buckle himself into the car- Well, I think four is a great age to be/parent.

We recently went on a trip to San Francisco. A road trip of 700 some-odd miles. (It was just the boys and me since Mick couldn't get Spring Break off.) I braved solo-driving the toll-freeways and skirted my minivan into Golden Gate Park and we set off on our first day of exploring. So fun. So freeing. Sharing my love of travel and adventure with my favorites. And Tyler is a super-trooper. A rare breed all-around. He's up until 10:00 at restaurants- NEVER would I let my oldest be up that late-- eating ice cream, no less. But his legs are little. And he ran so fast up the Island in the park and the snacks ran low and, jeez, I just needed a stroller. I'm not really sure how I forgot to pack a stroller on a road trip with three kids. I've spent the years severely editing My Everyday Accessories. You pare down from Diaper Bag to 'Mommy Purse' with diapers/ wipes/cheerios to a Real Purse (that might even by stylish) with some random crayon stubs and runt-peppermints for emergency use. And somewhere in that transition I lost the vision that my 4 year old might not be able to amble around the giant metropolis of San Francisco on his own two feet.

God knows, I am not trying to grow that boy up too fast. Perspective. Let life play itself out and savor what you can. But in my mind- I had done just that. We borrowed an umbrella stroller the next day from my Fairy Godmother/Aunt and it was a much better experience for everyone. After thinking this all through- I dubbed this 'The Stroller Effect'- Without even intentionally thinking it; you assume they're ready... but they're not... so you get to take a step back willingly. You get a "re-chance." (I don't think that's a word or a term, but Moms understand things like this.) This 'Stroller Effect' is different than the 'Boomerang Effect' or even the cause and effect of 'love and logic.' It's like a re-do you don't have to ask for, but you know to appreciate.

So this week my theory expanded to the pre-teen circuit. We picked a "cool enough" birthday snack for Ben to take to class, a la Pinterest. Cupcakes are so yesterday. I mean seriously. Who wants cupcakes anymore? I thought the white chocolate covered fortune cookies were hip, but no. And, for the love of Jesus, I learned last year with my 5-hour-Oreo-cookie pops that were going to be sooo easy, it's best to minimize. Ben decided on a cool mix of healthy berries and unhealthy donut-holes shish-kebobed on a weapon like skewer. The trifecta of birthday snacks. But, then he says, "So-- you can just, like, drop them off, and not stay, and not embarrass me. Okay?" And I'm pretending not to be deeply offended since another Mom just told me that her son had called me a "Cool Mom"... of course, to Ben- I am not. And I said, "Sure, yeah, whatever- I'll just drop them off and leave my camera at home and not give you your birthday spankings in front of the class and not Sing in a high raggedy voice Happy Birthday with the Cha-cha-cha's for Heaven's sake." (Because I maybe get a bit sassy when I get offended, my husband will re-iterate this point.) And Ben says, "If you could just drop them off- that'd be good."

So, while I'm trying not to sulk while pouring Honey-nut-cheerios Will asks if I can come to the assembly that afternoon because they're announcing his name for tying the school's third grade half mile 3.01 running record. And I think of all I have to do and how that hour could be spent, and it's not like he's student-of-the-month or anything and I say, "Nah, I think I'll probably skip it. But I'm proud of you." And out of NOWHERE Ben interjects loudly, "Yeah. Sure Mom. Don't show up and support us or anything since I have this super big Cabinet speaking part. It's not like we want you to, like, come and show us your support or anything." Whoa. The Stroller Effect.

I swear, he JUST FINISHED TELLING ME I was embarrassing and needed to drop treats and run on his birthday and then... bam... come and support me? Isn't parenting nuts? But hey, a re-chance. I took it. I spent and hour on the gym floor with Tyler squirming in my lap clapping for various school-ager accomplishments. And listening. And was proud. And I enjoyed it. Because I know, someday, there won't be any strollers- and no one left around the house who needs a push.

Chrismas Card Greetings

 Merry Christmas from The Merritts!

I thought this might be a fun way to share the spirit - a little more jingle, if you will. It's always a treat this time of year to see how friends are doing.... Some prefer the shorter version via the Christmas card. (I'm a big fan of the classic) but in case you're feeling extra sprightly- here's the longer photographic version!


Micky will start the new year with a new company. After 10 fabulous years at Hotstart he's decided that a change in engineering  will be a nice challenge. He has taken a position as senior engineer at Wagstaff here in Spokane. He stays busy playing soccer, hiking and chasing after the boys. The cabin is always his haven and we spent many early summer mornings watching him sport the slalom ski and now attempting to keep up with Ben on the wakeboard. Talk about challenge! We are hoping to do some home improvement around the house- Projects for "Mike" and "Liz" for those who know our lake- personas... Mike readily installed can-lights in our living room this week. Sure nice to have a Handy man light up my world.

I continue to enjoy the chaos of raising three boys. And I somehow find pockets of clarity every once in awhile! The part-time nursing gig of labor and delivery provides both miracles and comic relief to delight in twice weekly. It's such a blessing to have a job that you enjoy. I love a good book and check Goodreads (and Pinterest!) more than Facebook now. The respite of the cabin made for a sensational summer. I'm hoping to improve my downhill skiing on Silver with our season passes this year. At least I'm hoping to keep up with Ty.

The boys and I spent two glorious weeks road-tripping the western states with my Mom. Such a holiday. I continue running and Ben challenged me to be the "swimmer" in our Sandpiper Soars sprint triathalon team. I rocked those 3:11 minutes of athletic glory!    

Ben sky-rocketed into sixth grade this year. He loves Jefferson. A new school for us. He's on the school cabinet (leadership group) and enjoys the added responsibility of walking to school. Sports continue to be his passion. AAU basketball keeps us hostage in the city gyms, and he loved every minute of his select soccer with the Breakers. He checks the snow reports and sports stats before the day begins. Scurfing and wakeboarding were the ways he preferred to enjoy the long summer days.

Will is in the third grade at Jefferson. He hit that crazy reading fluency plateau and has became a voracious reader over night. Math is his favorite subject. He loves basketball and played soccer with the select Pumas this year. That kid has some speed. And is a terrific big brother as you can see. Will's sense of humor keeps us all in stitches.


Tyler turns four on 12/12/12. How is that possible? He remains our connection with St Aloysius School and is in pre-school there. Ty loves anything and everything his brothers do. He enjoys scouting out Christmas lights and especially the giant inflatable snowmen and Snoopy Wal-Mart varieties. Puzzles and play-doh are his faves. He loves the 20 or so 'Amy & Zach' books on tape resurrected from my Mom's days in the 80's earned selling Encyclopedias. Yes, we still like cassettes around here. You'll find him plopped in his bean bag chair singing along with those friendly Alphabet Pals.

So, that's the latest and the greatest with the Merritts. We continue to count all of our friends as our most treasured blessings. Best wishes for a fabulous 2013 filled with love and good cheer.